23 things that 2023 taught me
plus my fav books of the year :)
Hey there,
Hope you’re doing well and are getting a chance to wind down as we trudge our way towards Christmas. I am definitely feeling the need for a week of sleep, wine, and eating my body weight in cheese. This newsletter is inspired by an ever-growing list I’ve been keeping in my notes app where I jot down the things I’ve learned in 2023. It’s been a weird year, intense but meaningful and special at the same time. I feel quite different than I did at the start of it, and I think that change can be attributed to some of the things I’ve learned along the way. So, enjoy, and stick around until the end if you want to see what my favourite books of the year were.
23 things that 2023 taught me
Having a pet is singlehandedly one of the best things you can do for your mental and spiritual health. There is nothing better than being woken up in the morning by scratches on your door from a soft animal that loves you.
When your friends move away, it’s the mundane, day-to-day things that keep your love alive. Asking “how are you?” back and forth for months, the delays in your replies stretching out longer and longer ad infinitum, is depressing. Instead, be a bit less robotic, and go straight in with things like: “saw this funny sign and thought of you,” or “I’m thinking of going back on antidepressants.” Works a treat.
On that note, it’s not normal to wake up every day feeling like you’re being hunted for sport. If things like going to the office, meeting friends for a drink or walking to the supermarket are accompanied by a sense of raw, ambient dread, you should probably do something about it.
If you are lucky enough to afford therapy, avail of it, and don’t quit after six months because you think you’re healed. You’re not. Do not underestimate the power of having someone to help you unravel the thoughts and ruminations that make you feel tangled up in knots.
Patterns repeat themselves in strange and unexpected ways until you finally decide to put a stop to them. This applies to bad habits, troublesome relationship dynamics, unhelpful routines, and more. If you read this and wonder, “how do I stop them, though?”, see the point above.
Book your smear test.
Go on a holiday by yourself. It is extremely character-building to ask for a table for one and eat dinner alone, to sprint through a station in Madrid and make your connecting train by the skin of your teeth, and to arrive at a yoga retreat with only your book and journal for company.
Not shaving your body hair is not innately a feminist act, but it can be if you want it to be. The older you get, the more you will realise that the less you engage with traditional norms of femininity, the more it will piss certain types of people off. This is ostensibly a good thing and you should keep doing it.
As much as it sounds like a cliche, deep breathing actually helps to calm you down during moments of stress. When you’re panicking, try this: inhale for five seconds, hold it in for five, then exhale for five. Repeat as often as needed.
If someone steals from you, egregiously plagiarising your words and ideas and scripts and taking them as their own, you are allowed to do something about it. If you do not want to confront the person directly, you can tell other people instead. Doing the latter will likely be more effective than the former, anyway.
If you are feeling lost or struggling to find your backbone, re-read Joan Didion’s essay on self-respect and act accordingly.
It’s okay to spend money on an overpriced gym subscription every month, even if you don’t go near the free weights and only use it for the sauna.
Everyone has the capacity to do hurtful and shitty things. People you used to tell secrets to will delight in bad things happening to you and cruel things they say will float back to you through the grapevine. When this happens, it is a waste of time trying to understand why they did it. It will only cause you more pain in the process.
Similarly, apologies are rare, but if you do get one, it is worthwhile trying to accept it. Value the bravery it takes to sit in front of someone and say “I fucked up, I’m sorry.” Forgiveness feels good. Letting go feels even better.
It is important to maintain connections with people who have known you for a long time, who have seen you through many different eras of your life and loved you through all of them. Growing up alongside someone is a beautiful, rare thing, and it should be cherished as such.
Working for long hours at a laptop is a full-body sport. When you start to get chronic back pain and hear unsettling cracking noises when you get up, step away from the desk and book a yoga class.
Say yes to things.
Say no to things.
Creating traditions, both personal and shared, makes life feel more special. Examples include: going for a single oyster and a margarita with your best friends on the Sunday after a big weekend, bringing home a bottle of wine to share with the person you love when you have something to celebrate, or going to the cinema alone on a Saturday.
Every time you say the wrong thing or embarrass yourself is an opportunity to turn it into a funny story, even if it makes you want to die inside.
Birthdays are one of those uniquely raw days where it’s very likely that you’ll cry, or want to. Always go to the birthday party if you can, even when you don’t feel like it. Bring flowers.
The worst days of your life will be made infinitely better by the people you love checking in, asking how you are, and supporting you. The best days of your life will be made even more perfect when your favourite people are there, smiling radiantly.
If you are privileged enough to live in a place where your existence is relatively cushy and free of danger, it is your responsibility to try and make the world even a tiny bit better. This can be done in a myriad of ways, and it looks different for everyone. Go to the protest, donate money, ask the person sleeping outside the coffee shop if they want one too. The world can be a harsh, cruel, relentless place, and we are lucky to experience it the way we do, with smatterings of joy and connection and beauty. Don’t take it for granted.
my favourite books of 2023
fiction
I’m A Fan by Sheena Patel: A haunting but sickeningly real read about Instagram stalking, obsession, jealousy, and the digital age. This rocked my shit, tbh. So good.
Aesthetica by Allie Rowbottom: Freaky little novel about cosmetic surgery, influencing, social media, and beauty standards. Reading this was an unsettling trip into all the weirdness that surrounds us in our modern world and I really enjoyed it.
Berlin by Bea Setton: A young woman moves to Berlin to solve her problems and things become worse than she bargained for. Funny and strange and eye-roll-inducing all at once.
Nothing Special by Nicole Flattery: This story follows seventeen-year-old Mae who gets a job working in Andy Warhol’s factory in the 60’s. Flattery tells this story so well, which is less about Warhol himself and more about friendship, growth and self-discovery.
Big Swiss by Jen Beagin: A transcriptionist for a sex therapist falls in love with one of the clients when she’s listening to their sessions and then they meet in real life, which is equally as insane as you’d imagine. This was a “reading until 2 am even though I have work in the morning” kind of book.
The Guest by Emma Cline: Perfect novella which follows a mysterious woman surrounded by wealth, trying to make ends meet at absolutely any cost. It lives up to the hype. Read it on a holiday.
Mercury Retrograde by Emily Segal: An autofictional novel that follows a young woman who works in branding and spends a lot of time thinking about art, capitalism, sex and consumption. I found the main character very compelling.
Bliss Montage by Ling Ma: Severance, Ma’s debut novel, is one of my favourite books, so I couldn’t wait to get my hands on this collection of short stories. These stories were sad and lonely and lost and yearning and I loved them.
Penance by Eliza Clark: I adored Penance, a book about murder, true crime, teenage girls and mystery. This was so gripping and left me totally hooked until the last page. Eliza Clark stans, rise up.
non-fiction and memoir
How To Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee: My friend Will bought me this book and I raced through it. Less a ‘how-to’ book and more a series of essays on being an artist, a writer, a gay person, a Korean American, an activist, and everything in between.
Pageboy by Elliot Page: Elliot Page was one of my first ever celebrity crushes when I watched Juno for the first time and I’ve avidly followed his career and journey into activism since. I listened to this on audiobook and it was heartbreaking but hopeful at the same time.
Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton: A lovely ‘quiet’ book that takes the form of multiple journal entries documenting her life as a writer, a gardener, a friend, and a human. A special little read.
On the Benefits of Friendship by Isabelle Graw: I was drawn to this because of the beautiful cover design but the contents did not disappoint. This book is all about friendship in the context of the art world, examining how things like competitiveness, gossip and solidarity inform our close relationships and what it means. I underlined so much in this.
Down the Drain by Julia Fox: True to its name, this is a chaotic spiral of a read from one of the greatest It Girls of our time. I also listened to this on audiobook and loved hearing Julia narrate her manic and magical life story in her own words. This book feels like a crazy night out that turns into a rollover and the crashing comedown that ensues, over and over again.
Working Girl: On Selling Art and Selling Sex by Sophia Giovannitti: A brilliant and eye-opening read on sex work, money, art and ambition. This gave me so much to think about and I thought it was incredible.
Glossy: Ambition, Beauty and the Inside Story of Emily Weiss’ Glossier by Marisa Meltzer: I wrote my Master’s thesis on Glossier so I was really excited to see this book was coming out. A fascinating look into what it took to build one of the most interesting beauty brands of our age and all that went on behind the scenes. It’s a juicy one.
Doppelganger: A Trip into the Mirror World by Naomi Klein: Klein’s book No Logo was one of the best marketing books that I was assigned to read in college and I’ve loved listening to this on audiobook. It’s a story traversing through doppelgangers, mistaken identity, conspiracy theories and our post-COVID world.
Exposure by Olivia Sudjic: This book takes the form of one long essay examining the anxiety and self-doubt that can come with publishing one’s work. On a much smaller scale than this published author, my stomach still churns and my palms sweat whenever I hit publish on a Substack post, and this book distils those complicated feelings really well.
Thanks for reading! Would love to know your favourite reads of the year, as well as some things you’ve learned. I hope 2024 is everything you hope for and more.
This was so beautiful to read, Kerry! Your words pushed me to muster up the courage to call my bff that I have been on a break with for awhile. Thank you for inspiring me to do so :)
Loved reading this, thank you :)